5 Ways to Touch a Face With Profound Effect

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No, not him, I thought when I looked up and saw him. Not him.

This was my reaction the first time I put our loving touch theory into action.

Early in my contemplations, with Willow, about connections between love and sexual energy I was thinking about how hard it is to generate feelings of love just by looking at someone. Both innately and from our culture, we have it wired into us that it is right to love one another. But sometimes it is hard to conjure up that emotion — that connection — depending on who we are looking at.

I sensed that if I could look at any person and touch their face, with a caress, or light stroke, or cradling, perhaps my love for them would be engaged. Actually touching someone at random, however, would not be appropriate. So I wondered if it would work if I touched them energetically. That is, I wondered if it would work if I simply looked at them and imagined myself physically touching their face lovingly with my fingers.

And so it was that I found myself on a 40 minute B.C. Ferry ride from Langdale to Vancouver, surrounded by people, regarding a large and lumpy, elderly, balding man.

The Universe had, of course, provided me with the perfect first subject: someone who did not fit my profile as easy to love. Not only was he rather unattractive by cultural standards, he was a man! As I said, I immediately turned away. No, I’m not ready for him, I thought for a second. I’ll try again. I’ll find someone more attractive. But then I realized that yes, he was a perfect first test. So I looked up again and embraced his face with my eyes.

I was amazed. As I let my fingers energetically reach out and caress this man’s face, to hold and touch his face lovingly, my regard for him was transformed. I felt his beauty. I felt how he was just like me, full of the same need for love, full of the same scars and wounds, full of the same illusion of separateness that we all have cultivated inside us. A minute ago I would have needed mental gymnastics to generate a feeling of love for him. But now, through the simple imagination of loving physical touch, my love for him flowed.

Since that moment I have tried this practice many times. It works in every case, with whomever I regard. The man-made calibrations of beauty in my head have been challenged often, but a true sense of beauty and love never fails to emerge when I energetically touch each face. I began to tell people to try this practice in the midst of an argument or conflict. Touch the other person’s face, in your mind, and see how it shifts the interaction.

This past week I had the opportunity to take this practice to another level. I was attending Caffyn Jesse’s one-week Intimacy Education workshop on Saltspring Island. It was fantastic in every respect. As part of the work, within a beautifully safe container, we have permission to give voice and choice to the kinds of touch we would like to receive. On the last day I knew I was due for one more session, which, by the way, within the context of this workshop can include full loving erotic engagement. As I had breakfast at a little restaurant called the Tree House, I asked myself, what kind of touch did I really want that day?

The practice of face touching came back into mind. As I thought about it, I wondered what it would feel like to actually have my face touched in love, both for me and the one doing the touching. Would it be as powerful as the energetic touching? Would it be healing in some way? Would it be erotic in some way?

I was excited. As I contemplated what I would ask for, it struck me that the person doing the touching could regard me in several different ways and in each case it might shift the quality of the touching and the emotion generated.

So I came up with the following five ways for the person to caress and hold and touch my face, with curiosity and love, finding the beauty:

1. Touch my face lovingly as me, as who I am.
2. Touch my face lovingly as every human, with love for the human race.
3. Touch my face lovingly as someone you have forgiven.
4. Touch my face lovingly as someone you need to ask forgiveness from.
5. Touch my face lovingly as you, as you would lovingly touch your own face.

I thought about who I would like to touch me in this way, who was right for this instance, and a couple who were attending came to mind.

I had a strong inkling it was going to be powerful. But I had no idea how deep it would be.

The couple enthusiastically agreed to my request. As I laid on the massage table, the man and the woman each took 15 minutes to cycle through the touch perspectives, telling me when they shifted from one to the next. Almost immediately, when I felt their fingers gently touch my face, I was filled with emotion. When I opened my eyes, to momentarily look into theirs as they touched, the emotion intensified. Our hearts became deeply connected. When they touched in the framework of forgiveness, tears flowed freely.

It was an honor to “stand in” for the human race, for those forgiven, for those who need to be asked for forgiveness, for themselves. I felt cleansed. I felt healed in some inexplicable way. Bathed in their love, I floated on a sensation of bliss for 30 minutes. This is how it is meant to be, I thought. And their experience touching me was equally profound.

When we shared our experience with the rest of the group, everyone was moved. We were given the opportunity to touch the two facilitator’s faces from these various perspectives as a thank you and farewell. Once again it had deep impact.

Trying to love without physical connection is difficult. But reach out and actually touch someone with an intention to love, and that deep, innate, pure love that energizes all of life will get plugged in. Our minds get taken offline. Our hearts get powerfully engaged.

This will become a common ritual at our loving sexual energy Discovery Weekends. I invite you to try touching someone’s face in this way, whether energetically — which you can do basically anywhere, at work, on buses or rapid transit, on the street — or physically with someone willing, within a safe “container”. Try touching someone who is sick, or someone at the end of life, or someone you love, or someone you don’t like, or someone you’ve never met before. Try touching each other’s face from the five perspectives listed above. Pure, healing love will flow.

Stop… and Be

Mindfulness can be summed up in one word.

Stop.

Come to a halt, rest, breathe – even if you are still moving.

Stop, and notice how the smells of a flower, or the damp earth, or various types of food, or the ocean... resonate with your soul.

Listen to how the wind whispers sounds of love, or how the birds make music, or how the thunder rumbles inside you... stirring you.

Your mind will send a constant stream of thoughts to distract you from this practice. But they are thoughts only, having no present truth. One after another, see your thoughts as transient creations of your neurology without resisting them, then release them and let them pass through. Stop and be still inside. You can’t stop your thoughts, but you can stop giving them your attention.

Instead, notice how the warmth of the sun invigorates you, or how the coolness of the rain washes and cleanses your soul, or how another heart beating against you creates a blissful, loving vibration.

Notice the resonant crunch of someone walking on gravel, or how a song stirs you to move, or to sway, or to hum or drum. Hear how the energy of an engine resonates with the energy inside you. Feel the solidity of rock, or the softness of moss, or the smoothness of a fine, silk sheet.

And while you allow your senses to guide you in the present moment, smile at the amazing capacity of your mind to create thoughts worthy of the best fiction writer in the world. Let each story about you, or anyone else – each stream of words – pass on... into nothingness. Be aware of your mind’s creativity, but don’t buy in.

Notice, instead, the rich smell of your lover’s skin, or the taste and texture of a held kiss. Feel the press of their body against yours and how the energy between you circulates without boundary.

Stop... and feel how your loving arousal matches an ocean wave, or a billowing cloud, or the cascade of a waterfall, or the buzz of a hummingbird’s wing. The world loves you and you love the world, even if your fictional mind tells you otherwise. Let each random thought pass.

Notice how your lover’s breath mixes with yours. Breathe them in... and out. Feel the heat of their body, like the heat of the sun. Feel the heat in you. Feel the life-giving, loving sexual energy inside you. Thoughts will still enter and clutch at you, telling you who you are or aren’t – or who you should be – or who you want to be, in the present moment. Stop. Free your thoughts to be just thoughts, not what is... and let them go. 

Feel. Move. Enjoy. Be.

What Would You Look Like if You Were 100% Sexual?

What would you look like if you were to let 100% of your sexual energy flow through you, right now?

Perhaps an image comes to mind that makes you smile. You wouldn’t be alone if you imagine a writhing, screaming, thrusting porn star, which may not be ‘appropriate’ if you are reading this at work.

But I want you to go deeper with that thought. Feel your sexual energy—that strong, connecting, fertile, confidant, hormone-releasing, loving energy—rising out of the center of your body, filling you. You know intuitively how much is deep inside you. What would it feel like and look like if you were to open the doors wide and let your entire being fill with that energy?

Most of the time we massively restrain the sexual energy inside us, to our detriment. But that isn’t surprising in our present day culture. All our social myths and constraints act to limit the amount of sexual energy we allow ourselves to feel—and express.

Even behind closed doors we rarely, if ever, allow FULL, 100% sexual energy out. 

If the thought of letting 100% of your sexual energy flow out through your mind and body makes you uncomfortable, you are not alone.

But sexual energy is life energy. It is the root creative power of all life. It is divinely connected and tremendously fertile in every way. It is good for us. It is ‘food’ for us. It is healing and joy-inducing. It has the power to create lovely, positive, confidant shifts in our ‘wiring’. And when embraced in a way that is honoring of others, it is always positive.

How much sexual energy is flowing out of you at this moment? 

When Willow and I first asked this question of each other we both went blank for a moment, then, after feeling into it, had to admit it wasn’t much higher than 10%.

We, like most people, were not trained to tap into this energy. Or to allow it to flow more freely.

So we challenged each other to express 100% of our sexual energy, right then. 

A warning if you try to do this with a partner: it may induce laughter! 

But a good kind of laughter. 

Like anything, it is productive at first to exaggerate all actions, sounds, expressions, etc, that want to come out. There is no ‘right’ expression, of course. It may evoke a powerful stillness. What comes through you will be as unique as the person you are. Just let it flow! Play with it! 

As humorous as our expression began, the process was extremely instructive and liberating for us.

Two points to make from this.

One, feeling into (being mindful of) our sexual energy allows us to release more of this energy within us during the ‘routine’ moments of every day. The energy will make us more confident, connected and creative at all times. 

Two, exploring what 100% sexual energy flow looks and feels like with a trusted partner helps us experience the full potential of this divinely-gifted power inside us.

Willow and I still have lots to learn about releasing all that powerful, positive energy.

So we encourage ourselves, along with you, to... let ‘er rip

We Are Stuck in a Sexual Catch 22

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The other day a good friend suggested that sexual desire and sexual urges are from our ‘lower’ or ‘base’ nature.

Or sometimes we hear it described as our ‘animal’ nature.

I think this is a pretty common view in our culture.

We hear constantly about “our obsession with sex”. The word ‘obsession’ delivers the same message, that sex is a human urge out of control. It sends the negative message that we have let our lower nature overpower our higher nature. And most people seem to agree this is true, based on the proliferation of porn online, the popularity of behaviors like ‘sexting’ and sending naked ‘selfies’, the use of sexual imagery in almost every form of advertising and entertainment and the constant stories of sexual crimes in the media.

Welcome to the human ‘Catch 22’.

On the one hand we are constantly told, in many subtle and not-so-subtle ways, that our sexual energy is a low, base, animalistic urge that must be controlled, yet on the other hand we are born with a built in ‘furnace’ of sexual desires—urges that want to be expressed and fully experienced.

Kim Anami, noted life and sexuality coach, describes it as our bipolar attitude towards sex. I like that analogy. We fluctuate between engaging willingly in sexual energy and then attempting to transcend it, riding the rollercoaster of opening up, then shutting down, opening up, shutting down, etc.

Even if we find a sexual partner with whom we are able to experience true sexual bliss—a partner who has given the space and safety to allow us to be fully open and vulnerable—we often subtly censor, or ‘make private’ that experience, as if it is something special we can’t share. This censoring more accurately reflects a learned discomfort about revealing that we have given in to our animalistic nature; knowing such behavior within our culture of ‘transcendence’ will almost surely lower other people’s view of us.

So how do we escape this sexual energy ‘Catch 22’?

In any process of inquiry, I love flipping things upside down to see if the reverse view holds a revealing perspective.

The common cultural view is that we must elevate ourselves from ‘unconscious’, animal body urges and desires into a state of spiritual consciousness, free from the physical world.

The reverse view would be this: we must elevate ourselves from ‘unconscious’ spiritual urges and desires into a state of body consciousness, free from the spiritual world.

Does this statement make sense to you, on any level? It may sound odd, on first reading, but if we dig into it a bit, I think it does make sense. Profound sense, actually.

First, we are definitely part of the physical world. We share energy within the physical system we call planet Earth. When we die, the energy that comprises our physical human body gets returned into the system.

Second, because of our ability to be conscious of our actions, thoughts and emotions, we almost intrinsically ‘elevate’ ourselves above the rest of our energy system (including all other living beings). We also naturally question everything. We wonder about the how and why of our existence. So we have this unconscious, intrinsic urge to be spiritual.

Third, many people on their path of enlightenment say the moment they “landed in their body” was significant. Truly landing in, accepting and rejoicing in our body, and its connection with everything else, seems consistent with the reverse view; that we need to elevate ourselves into a state of higher body consciousness.

Fourth, one of the reasons we use the word “lower” for sexual urges is because we consider our genitals (or root chakra) to be physically below our brain (or crown chakra). But I have no problem considering the reverse. If you think about it, there is no up or down in the universe. We tend to think up is into the sky and out into space. But the Earth, which we are part of, could just as easily be up. Our planet is round, so there is no empirical up or down. We are simply attached to the Earth. Who is to say our genitals don’t actually reside in a physically higher position, in relation to our source?

Fifth, the last phrase, about us becoming “free from the spiritual world”, is for me a truism in the sense that we need to be freed from the notion of transcending the physical.

So, perhaps our way to escape our human Catch 22 is to understand that we have things backwards.

What we call our lower nature is actually our higher nature. Instead of transcending FROM our lower selves to achieve a closer ‘walk with God’, we need to elevate our consciousness INTO our higher, creative, sexually-energized selves—the physical world—where ‘God’ actually resides.

Sexual energy is life energy, after all. There would be no life without it. Sexual energy is creative, generative ‘God’ or ‘Source’ energy, right inside us, and in all living things. Sexual energy is what makes us, and all facets of the beautiful planet we live on, tick.

And once we understand this, an ironic transformation takes place. Elevating ourselves into body and Earth consciousness actually elevates us into spiritual consciousness—the very thing we unconsciously desired in the first place. We don’t need to transcend our lower nature to achieve spirituality. Instead, we need to transcend into it, to embrace our true spiritual connection to the Universe—to God, Mother God, Source, or however you refer to the Creator of all things.

Truly understanding that sexual energy, and the love that it generates, is spiritual, causes us to honor our sexuality, instead of hiding and shaming it. We would honor one another—and our whole planetary system—much more deeply with this perception firmly embedded in our consciousness. In this respect, there would be no need to control or constrain sexual energy or our bodies. We would not be afraid of sharing sexual energy freely as a way of deeply loving and honoring ourselves and others.

What a joy it is to know that we can openly embrace and stoke the furnace of sexual desire inside us, surrendering ourselves to the total bliss of divine, healing, creative, loving sexual energy.

Casual Sex or Not, Women Want Loving Sex

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In a fairly robust survey of 24,000 students over five years, done by Paula England at New York University, results showed that 74 percent of women had an orgasm the last time they had sex in a committed relationship, versus only 40 percent during their last casual ‘hook up’. In contrast, 80 percent of men had an orgasm in their last casual hook up.

This study spawned a wide number of recent media articles. You can read one of them, from the Globe and Mail, here.

Some of the ‘speculations’ from this study were:

  • Women are not free in a casual context to say what they need.
  • Guys care more in a relationship.
  • Practice with a partner yields better success.
  • Women’s path to orgasm is widely varied, not just derived from intercourse.
  • Women are still stigmatized for wanting casual sex.
  • We’ve been sold a bill of goods that the sexes can participate equally in hook up culture.
  • Maybe women are just as satisfied from the hook up, despite no orgasm.
  • Women may feel the quality of the sex is “weirdly irrelevant”.
  • Women are more focused on giving pleasure, than receiving.

While there is likely truth in all the statements above, the study, and the tenor of the interpretations, left me feeling uncomfortable. It seems to ramp up a debate that shouldn’t be a debate.

In a world where a huge percentage of young people are conditioned by the narrow spectrum sex of porn, there is a lot of distracting debate about the wants of men and women.

One of the women quoted in the Globe and Mail article, Vanessa Martini, says this: “You have to balance a lot of things in your brain, like what’s more important to me – just getting off, or do I actually want to have a connection with this person?”

Most porn is about just getting off. And if we believe what the endless videos portray, there is a lot of pleasurable ‘just getting off’ happening. I think, however, that Martini’s inner debate about connection is significant.

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Women intuit far more easily than men about connection. Just look at the bonobos, or the characteristics of matriarchal societies. There is no more intimate connection between a man and a woman than the physical union of penis in vagina, with the divine, generative power of sexual energy flowing between the partners, whether they acknowledge the divinity of it or not. There IS connection. Period.

Women get this, much easier than men, on a deep level. And when this connection is not acknowledged, there is dissonance. So for both women and men, it is not a question of do I want the connection or not, it is do I want to ignore the connection or not.

Women want to have sex at least as much as men. Perhaps more overall, since their sexual engines can keep going... and going... once at full throttle. But here, for me, is the important point. Women, whether they are having casual, hook up sex or not, want loving, honoring sex. They want to embrace the connection, even if it is only in passing, whether they will see their sexual partner again, or not.

Loving sexual energy is in all of us, male and female. Men, despite the cultural influences that bury their honoring desire even deeper than women, intrinsically want to express their sexuality in a full spectrum, loving way as well. Making a connection with another human being is not something we need to be afraid of. It is natural. It is divine. And we can embrace it.

The Bonobo Factor: Sex and Food

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Read the introduction to this series of posts here.

Bonobo Love Secret 07 - Sex and food go together better than love and marriage—at least for bonobos.

“Sex At Dawn” co-author Christopher Ryan writes:

Nothing gets a bonobo orgy started faster than a feast. Give a group of bonobos a bunch of food and they’ll all have some quick sex before very politely sharing the food. No need to fight over scraps like a bunch of uncouth chimps!

What does this mean for us?

Of all of Christopher Ryan’s points, this made me chuckle the most. Can you envision it? At the next gathering of your friends for dinner or backyard barbecue? Everyone gets naked and stirs up the senses with some heated, loving sexual energy before eating. Like the bonobos, the group is not concerned about who touches who. Everyone joins in the sensual flow. Everyone’s senses get revved up, “egos” get shut down and the group floats on a cloud of mellow, satisfied, uncompetitive bliss as the food is served up. The meal is characterized by playful food sharing.

There has always been a connection between food and sex in human culture. Some of the most memorable erotic movie scenes show lovers feeding each other or playing with the texture and tastes of food.

9 1/2 Weeks 

Tom Jones  

Like Water For Chocolate 

Tampopo  

We often describe a delectable meal as being “orgasmic”. Whether it is the physical activity and energy required for love-making, or the activation of the senses, people often feel hungry after making love. Nothing like a tasty snack to prepare for the next round.

When we look at a lovely spread—think perhaps of a Christmas or Thanksgiving feast—it has a stimulating effect. The smells activate our senses. We can almost taste the food. Or eyes drink in the colors and textures. We enter a heightened state of anticipation. Bonobos seem to use this heightening of the senses—the excitement and anticipation of sharing a feast—to spur them into sexual interaction, almost like a natural progression. They ‘feed’ on each other’s sexual energy as an appetizer, raising their pleasure bar higher, and then enjoy the sharing of the food.

Type “sex and food” into Google and it returns 1.56 billion results. You would think “sex and love” would yield more, but in fact it comes up short, with only just over 1.4 billion results. “Love and marriage” finishes a far distant third, with just over 600 million results.

The bonobos aren’t the only great apes who think sex and food go together better than love and marriage.

The Creative Power of Sex

by Jarzka

by Jarzka

It is a typical night in Vancouver, rain dripping gently from the dark cedars in the back yard. The house is dark and quiet with the lateness of the hour. The moment is sweet with potential fulfillment. My heart is open, my body moves with him. We are in union.

Young and self-conscious, I lie in his arms. His passion for leading a meaningful life drives his way of being. He loves me, but more than that, he sees me as more beautiful than I see myself. I am aware that in the last few years I have already created a belief that I am tainted… spoiled through sexual exploration. Magically, in these few hours in his loving embrace, I am transformed—I am restored to a state of purity once more.

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What took place that night so many decades ago? How can it be that sexual union created the sensation of restoring lost virginity? My sensing is that this is important for us to be aware of—to know this part of ourselves and be deeply in awe of our sexual energy as a generative power.

We easily accept that children are a ‘generative’ result of our sexual activity. What if we took the approach that everything in our lives can be affected by loving sexual energy—that every time we activate our sexual energy we create something.  I propose that we would be much more mindful of what we are up to in the realm of sexual function and more accountable for our experiences.

Historically, human sexuality has been our most shame-filled area of personal expression. We often hide and suppress this energy. But what if we deeply understood that loving sexual energy is a source of healing and creation?

We need to enlarge our view of it—to honour the creative power that lies in all of us and become mindful of the wonderful ways we can use it.

Loving sexual energy gives us access to generating more of what we want in our lives.

Finding a New Currency for Buying Happiness

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Scientists estimate we passed the sustainable number of humans on the planet at about the 2 billion mark. By ‘sustainable’ they mean sustaining a ‘European standard of living’ for all people without adversely affecting our planet’s ability to support us.

Yes, we’re well past that, partly because we live in a world where we think the currency that buys happiness is money. With the proliferation of information through all types of media we are all aware that having a lot of money can buy a person a luxurious life. With enough money you can go anywhere you want, eat whatever your heart desires, purchase as much sex as you want, be entertained by the most talented people, have as many homes as you like, buy the best training and education, avoid ever having to do an ounce of housework, buy endless amounts of clothes, and shoes.

It is extremely hard not to fall into the ‘money buys happiness’ indoctrination of our socio-economic system.

It is no wonder that the studies done by Richard Easterlin, showing no correlation between increasing economic wealth and happy people, have been energetically refuted by government leaders and by writers for such publications as Forbes Magazine, etc.

But, absent of all the rhetoric, I think we are all intrinsically aware that happiness, in its deep and abiding form, cannot be purchased with dollars and cents. Even the most luxurious lifestyle in the world will not necessarily provide happiness. We have been using the wrong currency. Money or Gross Domestic Product will never do it.

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So what currency, which we all have in abundance, can we actually use to buy happiness? I am going to suggest that this currency is loving sexual energy. True, we haven’t learned how to use it very well, because under our present ‘money buys happiness’ system, the currency of loving sexual energy, which provides healing, wholeness and interpersonal/divine connection, has been constrained and limited for centuries.

Each person has an endless ‘bank account’ of loving sexual energy. In fact, we each own our own Mint for printing as much as we want. And the more it is shared in a full spectrum, honoring way with others (with none stashed away in a ‘savings account’), the more it multiplies. And where there is healing, wholeness and interpersonal/divine connection, there is unlimited happiness.