Sexual Shame and Guilt Starts the Moment We Put Clothes On

Does viewing this picture make you feel uncomfortable in any way? Or does it make you feel like joining them?

Does viewing this picture make you feel uncomfortable in any way? Or does it make you feel like joining them?

Within moments of being born, the covering of our naked bodies begins.

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Often, as young children, we try to resist. Who doesn’t have a picture of themselves naked and joyful in the back yard, clothes happily discarded, exposed to the wind and sun? Ah yes, the freedom of it! Remember?

But we are quickly ‘marshaled’ into our clothing once again, when the frolic is over.

We learn that it is not ‘proper’ to expose our nakedness.

We learn that there is something ‘wrong’ with nudity.

We learn to criticize our bodies, based on being visually fed the scantily clad physiques of so-called “beautiful people” in the media. No wonder our bodies should be covered!

We learn to think that clothing represents our ‘style’. We begin to believe that what we wear is part of what defines us, or how we express our personality—a comfortable justification for covering ourselves.

Sometimes we tell ourselves we wear clothes to keep us warm, which is perfectly reasonable when it is cold. Yet when it is warm enough to be naked, we seldom go garment-less, especially around others.

We learn to believe that nudity is a trigger of lust (as if sexual desire is something bad). Therefore being naked is ‘asking for it’, or perverted, or immoral, or even sinful.

And it all begins with that first piece of clothing placed upon us.

We are not taught all this by words alone. Much of it comes intuitively, from silent social cues. And as we get older we come to understand that we can even be thrown in jail for removing our clothes.

It is astonishing that more people do not practice nudity. That is, of all the millions of people worldwide who seek to shed life’s traumas and grow in self-awareness and confidence—to expand consciousness and connection—a very small percentage regularly get naked with others. We do arduous work on our ‘insides’, yet miss the very simple, yet deep, work we can do with our ‘outsides’.

Sometimes I think practicing nudists or naturists are a step ahead in ‘consciousness’. The stories of folks who have embraced ‘public’ nudity with like-minded others are invariably the same. Almost all talk about the initial fear and inhibitions they experienced as they doffed their clothes. Self-awareness and self-criticism can be excruciating at that moment. Not only is there anxiety about people looking at you, but also anxiety about ‘where’ and ‘how’ to look at others. Yet despite these initial discomforts, new nudists ALL talk about the experience as being wonderfully freeing. It does not take long to realize, and internalize, that others embrace your nakedness as being beautifully normal. Issues about body image eventually dissolve. New confidence flourishes. 

Sexual shame and guilt begins with clothing. Which is why taking off our clothing in the presence of others is a critical step in healing self-limitations. 

Here’s to all of you who have no problem doffing your clothes, no matter what your gender, age or shape, within any kind of group gathering. You have, no doubt, found the experience as freeing as I described above. We need to better communicate how this simple act is crucial to healthy self-awareness, confidence, joy, enlargement and wellbeing.

It is not surprising that most of society regards nudist/naturist camps or resorts as being sleazy, or even dangerous. Most think they are havens for immoral, hedonistic people. And it is true that some people even fetishize such places. But there are many well-run resorts that are filled with Average Jills and Joes. And while these can be great places to take this first step to healing sexual shame and guilt, there is nothing stopping you from doing it with any group of friends or acquaintances, as long as everyone participates by choice, with understanding of the framework and goal for doing so.

To grow we must allow ourselves to become vulnerable.

Imagine how easy this step to healing is. No process to study. No long term work to be done. No talking required. No evaluations to complete. Just two brave hands, unbuttoning buttons, unzipping zippers, unclasping clasps, sliding off material. It takes less than 30 seconds. All done! 

Now relax and let the healing do its magic.

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Note: There is nothing wrong with clothes. Clothing does, of course, serve many purposes. But we are not taught to have a balanced view of why we cover ourselves. Instead, most of what we internalize about clothing limits us. If we experience anxiety about being naked in the presence of others we know we have a distorted perspective of clothing—and ourselves!

60 Sex Myths You Shouldn't Have Heard

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We think it is natural to feel the “get a room” discomfort when a couple engages in an overly steamy public kiss, especially if there is some associated groping going on. A recent Hyundai ad on TV showed the parents in the front of a car leaning and sharing a little loving kiss, to which the tweenage daughter in the back seat exclaims “Gross!” as she rolls her eyes at her little brother. The ad writer knows most of us agree that imagining our parents having sex, brought on by displays of intimacy, is yucky.

No one is immune to sexual myths, since their influence is very subtle. The old myth that masturbation will make you blind was once taken very seriously. Thankfuily I can still see to type this. Today, with our increased openness about sexual practices, such a statement would be generally laughed at. Yet while we laugh, the message is still attached. There is something negative about masturbation.

How about some of these other masturbation myths, which you may have heard or read? If you masturbate too much you will run out of semen. Too much masturbation makes the penis shrink in size. Masturbation will lead to psychological problems. Masturbation can lead to sexual addiction. Masturbation is selfish and evil.  God will punish you for masturbating. Masturbating while in a relationship means you or your partner is not satisfying enough. Or similar, once you are married you don’t need to masturbate any more.

To this day, masturbation scenes in movies are often given negative treatment and result in crass jokes, nervous laughter or quiet discomfort. In the Academy Award winning American Beauty, for example, sexually frustrated Lester Burnham resorts to masturbating in bed, to which his wife, upon discovering him, says in horror, “That’s disgusting!” Natalie Portman’s intensely beautiful masturbation scene in Black Swan ends with a look of terror on her face when she thinks someone is about to enter her bedroom. Must be wrong, somehow.

Ask yourself this question: how would I react if my parent (or children, or spouse, or friends, or workmates, or strangers) walked in on me gleefully in the throes of orgasm while masturbating?

The ocean of sexual myths that we are immersed in is vast. Here is the beginning of our growing list. How many of these have you heard at some point in your life? What sexual myths can you add to the list? We are sure there are many more.

  1. Having too much sex is bad for you.
  2. His penis won’t fit inside me.
  3. Intercourse is uncomfortable.
  4. Pressing, sucking or fondling a woman’s breasts will make them larger.
  5. I can get pregnant from swallowing sperm.
  6. If a girl has sex, she’ll get pregnant.
  7. If a girl has sex before marriage, she’s “used”.
  8. If a girl has a child out of wedlock, she’s “used”.
  9. Men’s ejaculate tastes bad.
  10. Getting an STD means I’m dirty.
  11. The stock of semen is limited. You could run out if you masturbate too much.
  12. Men need or want sex more often than women.
  13. If you want to have anal sex you are homosexually oriented.
  14. If you want to have anal sex there is something wrong with you.
  15. Oral sex is a perversion.
  16. A man should be able to achieve an erection whenever he wants to.
  17. Losing one drop of semen is the equivalent to losing 40 drops of blood.
  18. Masturbation is evil.
  19. Masturbation leads to psychological problems.
  20. Masturbation will make you go blind.
  21. Nocturnal orgasms only occur for men.
  22. Wet dreams are a type of sexual disorder.
  23. There is no need to use birth control if the woman is a virgin.  
  24. A man is not a man if he can’t have an erection.
  25. A woman is not a woman if she can’t (or doesn’t) have a child.
  26. It’s abnormal or immoral to be sexually attracted to more than one person at a time.
  27. We only have one soul mate. There is only one person meant for us.
  28. Humans are born to be monogamous.
  29. Too much masturbation makes the penis shrink in size.
  30. Some special foods and exercise can increase the size of a penis.
  31. A small penis can’t satisfy a woman.
  32. Women with large breasts are more sexual.
  33. Menopause is the end of a woman’s sex life.
  34. Playing doctor with other children as a child is psychologically damaging.
  35. Hymens are a sacred seal.
  36. The first intercourse is always painful for a woman.
  37. Drinking and drugs make sex much more fun.
  38. Only sluts get STDs.
  39. Imagining our parents having sex is gross.
  40. Looking at naked bodies is bad and will lead to immoral behavior.
  41. You should not see your parents naked.
  42. Your parents should not see you naked.
  43. A man being touched by another man is an indication of homosexuality.
  44. Homosexuality is a disease.
  45. You should never hug and/or kiss in public.
  46. Hugging and kissing in public is a sign of weakness in a man.
  47. Oral sex is dirty.
  48. A woman’s vagina smells like a fish.
  49. God will punish you if you masturbate.
  50. Sexual thoughts or fantasies contrary to God’s commandments are a sin.
  51. Arousing fantasies or thoughts about aberrant or “evil” behavior indicates there is something psychologically wrong with you.
  52. You have sinned if you have sex outside marriage.
  53. Orgasm is the goal of sex.
  54. The man is in control. The woman is subservient to him.
  55. Being naked is embarrassing.
  56. Losing your virginity means you’re spoiled.
  57. You should be able to be all things to your man: mother, career woman, sex kitten, friend... and if you fail there is something wrong with you.
  58. Getting raped indicates the victim must have ‘asked’ for it, wanted it.
  59. If a woman dresses provocatively, she ‘wants’ it.
  60. It's OK for women to withhold sex to get a man to marry her.

We could likely write a separate blog post on almost all of these sexual myths, talking about the subtle threads of shame and guilt they each sew. Thankfully we live in a time where awakened people are genuinely trying to cast off these damaging misconceptions. Yes, we can take our clothes off and feel beautiful. Yes, we can touch ourselves without shame. Yes, we can have great sex without orgasm. Etc.

Yet schools and churches continue to be a source of sex-negative talks and mainstream porn creates a whole new kind of sexual mythology for our young people.

We have a long way to go. Many times I hear people claim to be liberated from sexual myths, only to witness them unknowingly behave in ways that demonstrate subtle sex-negative influences still linger. And that's true of myself too! Embracing full-spectrum loving sexual truth while we swim in a vast ocean of cultural messages that detract from the truly divine potential of sexual energy is a day-to-day process.

More on sexual myths to come. Just talking about them helps. Don't forget to share any MYTHS we've missed, in comments, or on Twitter at #SexMyth.

Men: Occupy Your Cock!

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With the “Occupy” movements of the last few years, the title of this guest post by Triambika, founder of The Ecstatic Awareness Institute, made me smile. Yes, if we men should ‘occupy’ anything, it is our penises. In a conscious way, of course! It also seemed appropriate, after my post titled Going To Church.

Anyone can experience and cultivate the wonderful, divine, creative power of Loving Sexual Energy and all its healing benefits. This website will hopefully enlarge on how simple that is. But there are also a number of old traditions and new modalities that open people’s consciousness to divine sexual energy, elevate men and women into more conscious and mindful loving and enhance the experience of the feminine aspect of the divine. Tantra is one of them.

For any man, or even woman, who would have liked to have, or play with, a wand like Harry Potter’s, this post will show you how you can! -- Manning H.

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Occupy Your Cock! The Tantric Art Of Inhabiting Your Male Sex Organ

Known by many different names such as penis, member, dick, sword, lingam, vajra, pecker, rod, bone, love shaft… your power tool is something you’ll want her to remember. You name it, all men have one and now days even some former women have one too.

Have you ever once, even for a second wondered if your penis was large enough to please your woman. Even if you have a large penis and that thought never crossed your mind, perhaps you have wondered if you were using it in a way that would most please her. Now I’m gonna be honest with you, sometimes no matter what your size, we women simply can’t feel you inside of us. And it’s not because we are so stretched out, so don’t even go there. Sometimes you could be hammering away and we feel next to nothing. Why? Because YOU are not there. Your penis is there but it’s only physical. It lacks the spiritual, energetic aspects that have the power to heal, pleasure and open her into a whole other universe.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that if you’re taking the time to read this, it matters to you to be a good lover. What I want to share with you is going to greatly improve your performance Big Time. But not only will it make you a better lover, it’s going to make you a more conscious lover. Ahh, now there’s something a woman wants to hear. More conscious men in the world please… and more conscious women too… every one of us could stand to be a little more mindful when it comes to sex. After all, it works out best when all of you is fully there.

Guys, if you’ve been around the block with women, you’ve probably heard it all before. She wants you to “show-up”, to pay attention, to listen to her needs, to listen to her ramble on about her new shoes, she wants you to be PRESENT! Ask any woman who has a clue and she’ll tell you how essential it is for a man to be Present, in the moment, with her, right NOW.

Fortunately men already come equipped with an amazing ability to focus solely and entirely on one thing. Now, let’s make that one thing, the ‘right’ thing.

The act of occupying your cock is really quite simple, however not many men are very aware of this well kept secret. It’s about bringing all of your pointed attention into infusing your cock with a luminous glow of loving awareness. That’s right, bring all of your attention to your member, fill it with light and focus on the power contained there in your magic wand. Think Harry Potter only your using your cock instead of a stick of wood. This is best done during intercourse but can also be incorporated before you’re even erect.

It’s unfortunate, however understandable, that some men would rather think about the ball game or dead puppies while they’re having sex in order to keep themselves from coming too soon. While this may be effective for withholding an ejaculation, it’s a complete rip off to your partner who is opening up her body to you.

Occupying your cock is more about the intention you put into your wand while you’re making love. You may only last a short time or you’ll last for hours, but if she’s feeling you fuck her open to the heavens, you’ll be happy you did this.

Here’s a few helpful hints:
•    Imagine using your magic wand to paint her pussy on the outside with delicious strokes of pleasure.
•    Imagine, slowly…I said slowly, entering her Yoni while you envision your penis lighting up, like a rod of light.
•    Inside your wand you have the power to heal your woman, you have the power to awaken her pleasure beyond belief.
•    The light of your cock extends far beyond and far wider than the physical could ever do.
•    As you penetrate her visualize your penis lighting her up from the inside. Move in and out, a little quicker if you want, but remember to slow down to really SEE your cock-light reaching way past her g-spot, into all the dark hidden places where she feels most vulnerable.
•    Your cock-light reaches all the way up to her source of power and even beyond that, into her heart! Can you just imagine fucking her heart so deeply that you could see your cock light coming out through her throat? Kind of erotic if you ask me.
•    But why stop there? Now slow down here, both of you remind each other to breeeeeeeaaaaathe deeeeeeeeply. And imagine that next inhalation taking your cock-light right up through the crown of her head straight to the Source of all creation.

Now that’s what I call conscious sex! Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

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Read the original post here.

 

Touch as the Fountain of Youth?

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Skin hunger is an actual physiological condition recognized by medical and psychiatric organizations. I hadn’t heard of it until a year or so ago. Here is a description from an article I copied, but don’t have the link to.

Essentially [skin hunger] is the adult version of failure-to-thrive syndrome. Early in [the 20th] century, social workers at city orphanages discovered that babies who received no physical contact -- cuddling, rocking, kisses, tickling -- beyond the bare minimum of daily maintenance became withdrawn, sickly, and finally died. The conclusion seemed to be that human beings require a certain level of daily skin-to-skin contact in order to survive.
Skin hunger is the condition that applies to later life. Older children and adults may have received adequate contact as babies but, for various reasons, no longer receive that same level of touch. They become isolated and defensive, suffer intense feelings of loneliness... ...They’re also hypersensitive to temperature changes because their blood circulation deteriorates; also, loss of tactile sensitivity is common.
In sedentary subjects, skin hunger also causes muscle damage, particularly in the shoulders and back, in theory because the subjects are always tensed in order to ward off either a harmful touch or rejection of their need.

Another fascinating description of skin hunger and how it is essential for human life to thrive, plus a look at some of the basic causes in modern life, is found HERE.

And you can read a woman’s personal experience with skin hunger HERE.

Extendicare has also released information about the condition, because it is a prevalent problem as people near end of life. I can understand this, from visiting the old age home my mother was a resident of during the final year of her life. As we near end of life our bodies often become broken, twisted and diseased. Even though we may love our elders dearly, it is often hard to bring ourselves to lovingly touch them. And I don’t mean a pat on the shoulder, or a rub on the back, or even just holding their hand, although all are good. I mean really lovingly touch them. Skin is our biggest organ. For health benefits, our skin needs attention all over. But we are often held back by a litany of fears.

That got me thinking about how, as a rule, we begin to withdraw from touching and being touched as we get older. There are many reasons for this. Too many to list here. But the point is, in general, that someone who is in their 60s or 70s (or older) will likely have far less touch in their life than someone in their 20s or 30s. Especially intimate touch, the kind that generates loving sexual energy in the body.

I can’t find any long term scientific studies that explore the effect of regular intimate touch on well-being and longevity (please send us a link if you know of one), but it would not surprise me to discover that constant access to loving touch is akin to a fountain of youth, or youthfulness.

For anyone who has experienced the various forms of therapeutic touch, there is no question they have a powerful, positive effect on us. We feel more relaxed and vital as a result. We experience the same enhanced vitality after shared, expectation-free, intimate touch, especially if it is not rushed, and even more especially if it ends in orgasmic bliss.

For me it is no surprise that human bodies in our modern, fragmented, touch-deprived cultures begin to rapidly deteriorate as we get older. We need to break down barriers and allow ourselves to touch each other more. Imagine if you were part of a community of people who were committed to giving you loving, honoring touch—to enlivening the big skin organ of your body—right to your passing from this life to the next. No skin hunger, ever. Extended vitality. That makes me smile. How about you?

Perhaps I'll let reknowned poet Stanley Kunitz have the final say on this, reading his final poem, "Touch Me".

The Creative Power of Sex

by Jarzka

by Jarzka

It is a typical night in Vancouver, rain dripping gently from the dark cedars in the back yard. The house is dark and quiet with the lateness of the hour. The moment is sweet with potential fulfillment. My heart is open, my body moves with him. We are in union.

Young and self-conscious, I lie in his arms. His passion for leading a meaningful life drives his way of being. He loves me, but more than that, he sees me as more beautiful than I see myself. I am aware that in the last few years I have already created a belief that I am tainted… spoiled through sexual exploration. Magically, in these few hours in his loving embrace, I am transformed—I am restored to a state of purity once more.

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What took place that night so many decades ago? How can it be that sexual union created the sensation of restoring lost virginity? My sensing is that this is important for us to be aware of—to know this part of ourselves and be deeply in awe of our sexual energy as a generative power.

We easily accept that children are a ‘generative’ result of our sexual activity. What if we took the approach that everything in our lives can be affected by loving sexual energy—that every time we activate our sexual energy we create something.  I propose that we would be much more mindful of what we are up to in the realm of sexual function and more accountable for our experiences.

Historically, human sexuality has been our most shame-filled area of personal expression. We often hide and suppress this energy. But what if we deeply understood that loving sexual energy is a source of healing and creation?

We need to enlarge our view of it—to honour the creative power that lies in all of us and become mindful of the wonderful ways we can use it.

Loving sexual energy gives us access to generating more of what we want in our lives.

Finding a New Currency for Buying Happiness

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Scientists estimate we passed the sustainable number of humans on the planet at about the 2 billion mark. By ‘sustainable’ they mean sustaining a ‘European standard of living’ for all people without adversely affecting our planet’s ability to support us.

Yes, we’re well past that, partly because we live in a world where we think the currency that buys happiness is money. With the proliferation of information through all types of media we are all aware that having a lot of money can buy a person a luxurious life. With enough money you can go anywhere you want, eat whatever your heart desires, purchase as much sex as you want, be entertained by the most talented people, have as many homes as you like, buy the best training and education, avoid ever having to do an ounce of housework, buy endless amounts of clothes, and shoes.

It is extremely hard not to fall into the ‘money buys happiness’ indoctrination of our socio-economic system.

It is no wonder that the studies done by Richard Easterlin, showing no correlation between increasing economic wealth and happy people, have been energetically refuted by government leaders and by writers for such publications as Forbes Magazine, etc.

But, absent of all the rhetoric, I think we are all intrinsically aware that happiness, in its deep and abiding form, cannot be purchased with dollars and cents. Even the most luxurious lifestyle in the world will not necessarily provide happiness. We have been using the wrong currency. Money or Gross Domestic Product will never do it.

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So what currency, which we all have in abundance, can we actually use to buy happiness? I am going to suggest that this currency is loving sexual energy. True, we haven’t learned how to use it very well, because under our present ‘money buys happiness’ system, the currency of loving sexual energy, which provides healing, wholeness and interpersonal/divine connection, has been constrained and limited for centuries.

Each person has an endless ‘bank account’ of loving sexual energy. In fact, we each own our own Mint for printing as much as we want. And the more it is shared in a full spectrum, honoring way with others (with none stashed away in a ‘savings account’), the more it multiplies. And where there is healing, wholeness and interpersonal/divine connection, there is unlimited happiness.

God is Sex: The Divine Connection

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If you haven’t noticed, we live in a world full of sex. It requires no specific belief system or path of enlightenment to understand—to really understand—this one simple principle: life could not have been created, and would not exist, without sexual energy.

Whether or not you see and acknowledge the constant flow of sexual energy in the world around you, you know what it feels like. The sexual energy we all experience within ourselves, the desire and arousal, is congruent with the power or force that created life, indeed, created all things.

Does that make it divine? Well, at the very least it tells us that sexual energy is essentially Source or God energy. In other words, at its essence, sexual energy is incredibly powerful, creative and good.

Doesn’t the beauty of our world, our universe, amaze and astound you? Haven’t we all felt that moment of breathtaking exhilaration when viewing the wonders of nature? For most of us, that is where we most commonly experience a sense of the Divine.

Every living thing you see is a sexual being, from flowering plants and trees and insects, to birds and plankton and the largest of animals. Human beings as well. Without sexual energy, life does not exist. The powers of attraction, union and reproduction are in full flow around us at every moment. Even at the level of the base particles of matter the same principles of attraction and union are at play.

Yet somehow, over the centuries of human existence we have managed to develop ways of thinking and behaving that diminish our view of sexual energy. For many people it is scary. Sexual energy must be something to fear, because we have created laws and beliefs, often completely unfounded, which constrain and contain our experience of it. That is, our ‘allowed’ experience of sexual energy is very narrow. In almost all modern patriarchal cultures this has led to an underbelly of life-limiting shame and guilt. We see sexual energy as only part of our experience, not as a reason for being—a root connection to the power that created everything. We have little concept of its honoring, healing, creative and connecting power.

So, my friends, I challenge you to contemplate the statement “God is sex”— or to state that in a different way, “our connection to Source, to the Creator, to the Divine, lies within the creative power of sexual energy, inside us and all around us”— with an open mind, listening to what your body, and soul, has to say as well.

This blog will continue to examine ways to enable this. Such contemplation and discovery enlarges us from a narrow spectrum experience of sexual desire and sexual activity into a full spectrum experience of unlimited, affirming loving sexual energy.